April 2007
04112K7
Thought about putting this up on my door for my dad:
But I figured he'd "take (my) freakin' head off" if I did.
My sense of humor was definitely not inherited. :)
He came over last Sunday (Easter). He walked through the door with his signature my-life-sucks-but-I'm-better-than-you demeanor -- half-retarded wife following him like a dog and repeating him like a parrot -- and asked, "What would you guys do if a nuclear bomb went off around here?" After considering the pros and cons of all available options, I replied, "I guess I'd die." He shook his head, disappointed by answer. I presumed I had chosen poorly. Perhaps I should have answered that I'd sing praise to Lord Jesus and ask of him that I be transformed into an angel so that I could fly over our God-mocking enemies and drop Jewbombs on them. Good thing it was only a practice test.
He proceeded to quiz me on my knowledge of Revelations, missiles, happenings in the 70s, the Cold War and Clint Eastwood films. He was particularly agitated about my having never seen Glory Ridge, and after he asked me for the fourth time if I had "seriously never seen that movie" I blurted out, "I'm sorry if I'm not up on pop culture." Just like it would with any normal, everyday, deranged, self-righteous sociopath, this infuriated him and he went into kicking-ass-for-Jesus mode.
At that point my brother blew up and told him all the shit that he'd been wanting to say but never did just because it would mean that he'd be sticking around longer than usual. I couldn't help but laugh when Josh said, "...and you go off on these tangents" and my dad cut in, "'Tangets?!' What's with these crazy words? You're into that demonic shit!"
This is how my dad works when his control over the situation is in jeopardy: first, he boasts. Toughest man alive ("Bruce fuckin' Lee couldn't kick my ass!"), knows more than anyone, gift of prophecy, etc. Let's forget the whole I-need-to-borrow-money-from-my-kids thing. When he fails to impress, he moves on to intimidation. I'm bigger than he is and he assumes that I'm still a lot stronger than he is (I haven't worked out in about four years so I doubt it) so he assures us that he would beat both of us in a fight at the same time because of his fighting experience and refusal to be beaten. He threatened to "take (our) heads off" if we continue to disrespect him, etc. Neither of us looked like we cared, so he has one last step before he results to throwing punches, and that is to think of the most hurtful thing he can say, and say it.
I'm not going to go into it but he's lucky we didn't have a gun in immediate reach. And then we'd have another problem entirely: no one in the family would want to pay for the worthless fuck's funeral.
He left soonafter and called later that night, admitting that he had been drinking a lot that day (and every day before it for the past year or so) but didn't apologize. Instead, he said that my brother must have a demon in him that's making him disrespect his father.
Shortly after he left we went to a Chinese buffet. We were the only ones there, which wasn't surprising with it being Easter and all. It kind of sucked because they weren't doing any business so they weren't putting out new food. I was hoping I'd get sick from eating the raw oysters so I could sue them and get a couple days out of work, but no such luck. :(
Other than that, pretty boring week so far.
I think I'm going to sell my Grand National after I get it running again. If anyone's intersted let me know.
Which reminds me: I have a new phone number. Send me an email if you don't already have it and are someone I'd give it to.