12312K8
More conversations with my roommate:
Teabag
Lindsay: Have u seen 8 girls no cup
James: No
Lindsay: Well u should
James: K
Lindsay: Watch it right now I'm sure u can find it
James: No
Lindsay: Do it u pussy
James: Busy
Lindsay: No ur not or u wouldn't be answering me
Lindsay: Get one of ur coworkers with it
Lindsay: Oh now ur not talking cause ur pretending to be busy
Lindsay: I bet if I come down there u will be sleeping
Lindsay: I'm going to teabag u with my labia
Lindsay: And draw a penis on ur face
Lindsay: Do u think I could put a sharpie in my vagina and draw a penis on ur face with it
Lindsay: Wow I seriously want 2 try that now
Lindsay: What r u doing I know ur not really busy
Lindsay: James tyrell u answer me right now
Lindsay: I'm about 2 come down there
Lindsay: I'm going to practice my vagina art skills on ur face
Lindsay: What do u think ur boss would do if he came in and saw that
Lindsay: I think he would hire me
Lindsay: And I'm going to break ur legs if u don't start talking right now
Lindsay: Then u will be in a wheel chair and u will be easier to teabag
Lindsay: U can try 2 roll away but ill be wearing roller skates so ill just roll with u
Lindsay: Omg that would be amazing to watch can we please do this and get it on video
Lindsay: File: voicenote.amr (9 KB)
Lindsay: Did u listen to it
Lindsay: File: voicenote.amr (12 KB)
Lindsay: Stop sending me to fuckinging voicemail
James: What the fuck do you want
Lindsay: Nothing I hate u
Call Tones
Lindsay: Hey how do I get call tones
James: You don't
Lindsay: Shut up just tell me
James: Can't get them with a blackberry
Lindsay: Oh that's awesome I fucking hate my life
Lindsay: Ur probably lying I'm gonna call
James: K let me know how that goes
Lindsay: I will fuckface
Lindsay: Do I have a window based phone
James: No
Lindsay: Ok and I don't have an iden or rim so I should be able to have a call tone so in ur fucking face james
James: It is rim dumbass
Lindsay: What the fuck
Lindsay: I don't want this phone nemore I want a new one
James: K gl with that
Lindsay: Ok give me ur old 902 ill give u my bb
James: Why would I want your stupid blackberry it can't even get call tones
Lindsay: Shut the f up
Lindsay: I want the diamond 3.2 mp camera
James: That's a windows phone
Lindsay: No it's not fucker shut up
James: You're an idiot
Lindsay: Well if I had it I wouldn't care about call tones
Lindsay: Don't call me an idiot ill fucking slit ur throat when ur sleeping
James: So you're going to spend what little money you have on an expensive phone at retail price just because it has a slightly better camera
Lindsay: Yes
James: So you're moving out then
Lindsay: What no
James: Your unemployment barely covers your share of the rent, food, electric etc so if you buy a phone you won't be able to pay that
James: So you're telling me I need to kick your ass out and find a new roommate
Lindsay: No I'm not buying it right now
Lindsay: Stop yelling at me y do u hate me
Lindsay: I cook for u I let u play with my boobs I do ur laundry I sing for u u won't kick me out
James: Yes I will
Lindsay: Think u can kick me out of the band
Lindsay: Well u think u will be just fine without me but ur MINE
Lindsay: How can u kick me out of what is MIIIINE!!!
Lindsay: Lol school of rock have u seen that
James: No
Lindsay: Well then
Lindsay: Ur a faggot
James: I'm going to put all your stuff outside and burn everything you love
Lindsay: Well u would have to burn urself
James: Maybe I will
Lindsay: Just kidding I fucking hate u
James: Oh
Lindsay: But u should still burn urself
Lindsay: Maybe ill pee on u to put it out
James: Wouldn't be the first time
Lindsay: Yeah sorry about that
Christmas Discharge
Lindsay: Merry xmas
Lindsay: Oh no merry xmas in return ok fuck balls
James: Yeah sorry
Lindsay: What r u doing
James: Taking a shit
Lindsay: No ur not
System message: File sent: IMG00031.jpg.
Lindsay: Oh well I guess u r
Lindsay: Ur a dork and thank u for wearing those
Lindsay: Wait did u seriously take those in the bathroom with u or did u get up from the toilet to get them
James: Instead of saying merry xmas I was going to send you a pic of me wearing them, but right after I took the pic I had to take an emergency shit and I just left them on
Lindsay: Listen I hate u but u r hilarious
James: I get that a lot
Lindsay: Well what are u doing today other than that
James: Going to my grandmas to do some laundry, after that I don't know. Why?
Lindsay: Nothing just asking
James: You trying to see if I'll be home or something
Lindsay: No I was just wondering
James: Bringing all your fuckbuddies from niggerville over while I'm not home
James: Going through all my shit to find something to pawn to support your crack habbit
James: I'm on to you
James: I'm not leaving now I'm staying here all day
Lindsay: No u fucking faggot I haven't seen u in a week I'm just wondering what ur up to
Lindsay: Yeah I might bring them over so they can help me tie u up and ill stab u so u can watch them fuck me as u bleed to death
James: Sounds like you miss me
Lindsay: And then ill sell all ur shit ur car tv computer guitars clothes all of it and use it to hire the best doctors and scienists in the world 2 bring u back to life so i can clone u and kikl u over and over
James: I don't think you'd get enough money for that
Lindsay: Yes james I miss u ill be homw 2nite then ill go with u to work to trade phones and then either take ur car to my moms till u get off or find a ride
Lindsay: Is that ok
James: No
Lindsay: Yes it is and I might not b there til late tonite cause I have to meet more people for presents
James: Yeah that's bullshit you don't have money to buy presents and no one wants to give you presents
Lindsay: Stop being so mean its christmas
James: And seriously you can't take my car
Lindsay: Y not
James: Because
Lindsay: Y
James: Because it's my fucking car go get your own
Lindsay: Is it because I'm not puting out
Lindsay: Cause I will
James: Really now
Lindsay: Put you out
Lindsay: Of ur misery
James: Nice
Lindsay: Yeah I knew ud be proud of me for that 1
James: Yeah I'm really not
Lindsay: And I will get a car when I get my income tax
James: After you pay me for repairs on the buick
Lindsay: Yes
James: You won't have much money left over you'll have to buy a pretty shitty car
Lindsay: I know so ill just drive urs u can drive mine don't like it too bad ill fuck u in the ass with the barrel of my baretta bitch
Lindsay: How do u like that
James: I'm just a little bit turned on
Lindsay: Yeah I know me too
James: What are you wearing
Lindsay: I'm wearing this cute top amber got me and those pants u got me and under that I have my moms bra cause mine is 2 small and a red thong u?
James: I'm still wearing the reindeer antlers and I'm wearing your bra because mine was too big and a thong that I found in your laundry pile. Looks like it has some sort of vaginal discharge in it
Lindsay: Omg is that what u do when I'm not there
Lindsay: Ur fucking sick why r u going thru my stuff
James: No I was joking but are you telling me there really is a thong with vaginal discharge in it
Lindsay: Shut the fuck up I'm seriously going to kikcx u in the balls when I get there
James: Well I don't see one in there
Lindsay: James stop it
James: But there are others with yellow stains what's up with that
Lindsay: Ur an asshole
James: Oh wow black thong with white shit in the bathroom laundry bag
James: What the hell is this shit
Lindsay: Are you really fucking serious right now
James: Is this some other guy's cum that seeped out of you or do you have a yeast infection
Lindsay: I'm fucking prego all kinds of shit happens stop going through my underwear u sick freak
James: I'm just curious
Lindsay: Stop it just stop it motherfucker stop looking at my underwear
James: So this is why you didn't want me doing your laundry lol
James: I'm just messing with you why do you care anyway
Lindsay: Cause ur a fucking jerk and that's embarassing I don't go through ur stuff
James: We had a discussion one night about vaginal odor and then went shopping for douches together you weren't embarrassed then even though you really should have been
James: That was the night you found out you were pregnant
Lindsay: Yeah and then u said u wouldn't touch me again because my twat smells
James: Oh yeah
Lindsay: Yeah so stop going thru my shit sick fuck god I fucking hate u so much right now
Lindsay: Seriously I'm getting really upset I want to cry
James: I'm sorry I was just having fun I didn't mean to upset you
Lindsay: Ok I know I didn't mean it like that either but I'm really mad
James: I'll make it up to you
Lindsay: How
James: I don't know yet
Lindsay: Well u better think of something good
James: I could go down on you
Lindsay: Something else
James: I'm glad you didn't like that idea because I wasn't going to do it anyway
James: Because your twat smells
Lindsay: I'm going to kill u
James: Ok
Lindsay: Like not even joking that is a threat motherfucker u r going to die tonite ill go to prison for it ill even turn myself in
James: Driving now I'll talk to you later smelly
Lindsay: Hope u get in a car accident cocksucker
Apology
Lindsay: Wow christmas sux
James: Why is that
Lindsay: Cause I got socks and a fat prego shirt it only sux cause of my fam
James: Oh ok glad I didn't have anything to do with that
James: Are you not coming home
Lindsay: Yes u did motherfucker u made this the worst xmas ever I'm not even gonna celebrate it nemore
Lindsay: I'm staying here 2nite kk is sleeping I don't want to wake her
James: K
James: I got some appliances and money for a dryer, and my family got kaden some stuff I haven't gone through it all yet
Lindsay: Aww that's cute she will open it 2marrow nite
Lindsay: Ill be at ur work 2marrow he said he'd give me a case with the phone right
Lindsay: Will he give a skin instead of a case
James: I don't know
Lindsay: Well he fuckin better tell that cuban fuck ill murder him and I want a freakin job so get me one
James: Yeah about that
Lindsay: What?
Lindsay: U better not say I'm not getting it I swear to god james I will hurt u
James: Jim said he wanted to work in here with me as a tech. I don't know why or how long that'll last. I guess he's just bored
Lindsay: Oh so I don't get hired then when were u gonna tell me
James: Yesterday but I forgot
Lindsay: How do u forget that
Lindsay: R u fucking with me right now
James: Sorry
Lindsay: Fuck ur sorry thought u could convince him to hire me what happened to that
James: I did, he was going to. We were just waiting for the asc codes
Lindsay: Fucking great james just great thanks a lot now ill never get a job no1 is hiring I fucking hate u and tell jim I fucking hate him 2 and tell eddie ill cut his throat if he doesn't give me a skin with the phone and have a merry fucking xmas now go fuck urself
James: Ok have a good night
Lindsay: Die slow motherfucker
Lindsay: Hey ill be up there at 9 is that cool to do all that then cause that's my only ride
James: Yeah
Lindsay: K sorry for being a bitch last nite its just u got my hopes up and I've been waiting for weeks and then u have to crush me like that I know its not ur fault tho so I'm sorry for taking it out on u
James: Well my hopes were up too. I was dumb enough to put myself in a position where I depend on you so you not having a job fucks me as well. If I can do something to get you the job short of quitting myself I promise I'll do it but I'm just not going to tell you anything until I know 100% and he tells me to call you in
Lindsay: How is it dumb to depend on me
James: Because you're not dependable
Lindsay: Oh so I'm worthless then
James: If you were consistently worthless I could at least depend on you to be worthless but you're not even that
Lindsay: Do u really want to have this conversation right now
James: No not really
Lindsay: That hurts me but we will talk later ill see u at 9
James: K
Lindsay: Can u at least apologize in the mean time
James: Sorry
Lindsay: Ur good with words u can do better than that
James: Can't
Lindsay: Y not asshole did u suddenly lose ur super genius speaking powers
James: Driving
Lindsay: Well fuckin call me or send a voicenote stupid
James: No
Lindsay: Do it u owe me a real apology and I want it right now
James: Sorry for real
Lindsay: Fuck u I guess u don't care as usual but please keep typing while driving so u can die in a car wreck
James: K
Lindsay: Asswipe
Lindsay: R u at work yet
James: Yep made it here in one piece sorry
Lindsay: Fuck
Lindsay: K well
James: What
Lindsay: Tell me how sorry u r for hurting my feelings
James: Do you get off on me apologizing or something
Lindsay: Yes yes I do
James: Are you going to touch yourself as you read my flowery rhetoric
Lindsay: If I say yes will u do it
James: Only if you get it on video
Lindsay: K I will
James: Dearest Lindsay, I am truly sorry for hurting your feelings. You're not worthless at all. In fact, I feel like I could depend on you to keep my heart beating in your beautiful hands until a doctor shows up should you ever give in to some of your more morbid urges and rip open my rib cage. I love everything about you and I miss you madly. Hurting you is my greatest regret and losing you is my greatest fear, because I hate cooking for myself. I've been eating nothing but oatmeal and tuna since you've been away. The dishes are piling up and the floor really needs to be vacuumed. Please accept my humble apology. Passionately yours, James. P.S. Seriously, I haven't been doing the dishes. Please get on that ASAP. Thanks.
James: Was it good for you baby?
Lindsay: I came
James: I'm glad
Lindsay: Yeah no I'm going to do something bad to u I don't know what yet but its been a while since I've seen a grown man cry so that's what I'm going for
James: K see you at 9
Lindsay: And I'm taking ur car
James: K
James: Eddie changed his mind he doesn't want to trade phones anymore
Lindsay: Are u fucking serious please tell him that I fucking hate him thtas
Lindsay: That's fucked up
Lindsay: Or are u just telling me that so I won't come up there and rip ur balls off in front of every1
James: I'm not making it up but yes I'm telling you that now so you won't waste a trip up here
Lindsay: Ok well this really pisses me off that's the only thing I had to look forward to this xmas
Lindsay: Does he know he's pissing off a woman filled with prego rage
Lindsay: Does he know I've killed men for less
Lindsay: Does he know james
James: Oh he knows
Lindsay: Do u feel me james...do u feel me inside of u
Lindsay: Ok well he's dead ur dead all of u r dead I'm just going to put stuff in fromy of the doors and set the building on fire see u in a few mins so I can watch u burn motherfucker
James: That's two consecutive days now that I've gotten to disappoint you. I'm pretty proud of myself
Lindsay: Yeah ur doing real good there buddy how bout u just stop talking to me
James: That's my new year's resolution
Lindsay: That's not soon enough u should start now maybe after a few days ill forget I hate u who knows maybe even like u again
James: Again?
Lindsay: Oh ur right I never did well maybe if u shut ur smartass mouth I will
James: I like you :)
Lindsay: Yeah u show it so well
James: <3
Lindsay: Love u too muah!!
James: Just kidding
Lindsay: Me too that was the kiss of death see u in hell cocksucker
Pickles
Lindsay: Hey what's up I'm getting kk to lay down
James: I was going to ask if vlassic was a serviceable substitute for claussen
Lindsay: No it is not
James: Too late already bought them
Lindsay: Well u better go back
James: I didn't see any claussen pickles
Lindsay: They are with the refrig foods
James: Does it really matter they're dill spears
Lindsay: Yes it fucking matters jerkface go get them
James: Well I'm not going back today
Lindsay: James when I get home I better see the right pickles or I'm shoving all of those shitty vlassic ones up ur ass
James: Why don't you pick them up on your way home
Lindsay: I don't have ne money my grandmas mean she won't loan me ne
James: That's a sad story
Lindsay: Please go get them james they are the good garlic kind they are the ony ones I eat and I NEED them
Lindsay: I don't care normally u see but its this baby its making me want them all the time and u know this
James: What else does the "baby" make you do?
James: Does it tell you that everyone is out to get you
Lindsay: No but the voice in my head does
James: Oh ok
Lindsay: Yeah u don't wanna know what he says about u its kind of frightening
James: Does he tell you that I shot a load into your jar of cherries?
James: Because I totally did
James: Eat up, bitch. You're swallowing for two now
Lindsay: Not joking that made me vomit just now
Drunk
Lindsay: Where r u
James: With friends didn't want to wake you call if you need me
Lindsay: Oh awesome james I said I might need to see the doc if I get worse and u leave
James: I'm not even 10 mins away
Lindsay: I heard the vacum running and I was like y is james cleaning at 1 am
James: I've been gone sinve 11:30
Lindsay: So I came downstairs and it was the blender
Lindsay: The buttons not even on but its running I was scared I unplugged it
James: Wasn't me
Lindsay: Ok well if nething else turns on I'm burning this house down cause its haunted
James: Don't burn the house down
Lindsay: Can u come back
James: Do you need me to take you to the e room
Lindsay: No I just don't like being here alone at nite u know that
James: The house isn't fucking haunted go back to sleep
Lindsay: U don't kno that but I don't like being stranded here with no car and if something happens ur not here its just me and kk
James: Hide in the panic room
Lindsay: What is that
James: The dishwasher
Lindsay: What?
James: Go back to sleep
Lindsay: Who r u with
James: People you don't know
Lindsay: Is nick there
James: No
Lindsay: Who
James: People you don't know I'm trying to get drunk shut up
Lindsay: Don't get 2 wasted u won't be able to drive
James: I can but some mothers might get madd at me
Lindsay: Who's mother
James: Mothers against drunk driving
James: Apparently they have a problem with me running their kids over when I'm drunk
Lindsay: I can't see y
James: So I try to only do it when I'm sober
Lindsay: Oh ok well still I may need u to drive me
James: Ok
Lindsay: How do u know these people
Lindsay: Do u have a keg
Lindsay: R there girls
Lindsay: Are u getting these
James: No keg we havbe a lot of liquor thogh
James: Do you want a pic thjers a mexcan in a sombrero
Lindsay: Well when will u b back
James: Never
Lindsay: Where r u at
James: Hi
Lindsay: Yeah where r u tyrell
James: Fucking
Lindsay: Oh yeah well that's cool it doesn't answer my ques but ok
James: What the fucking christ do yo want I'm at home
Lindsay: What no ur not
Lindsay: Did u go into somone elses house thinking its ours ur going to jail or getting shot 1 of those
James: No old house
Lindsay: Yeah I don't know what ur talking about
James: Withj my brothr
Lindsay: Oooook I'm starting to worry about u
James: That's fine just stop talking ignore you now
Lindsay: Well hopefully one of them will bail u out cause if u call me ur fucked
FGT
Lindsay: Y is ur phone going to vm I want to call u
James: Don't know, that's weird
Lindsay: Well can u fix it
James: No
Lindsay: Are u doing it on purpose
James: Do I look like some kind of phone tech nerd to you
James: No I don't know what's wrong with it
Lindsay: Great well I was just going to tell u what I got I went to 3 stores and a produce stand ill give u all the receipts
Lindsay: And guess what I found
Lindsay: Green tomatoes
Lindsay: So we will have fried green tomatoes tonite how does that sound?
James: Terrible
Lindsay: Well ur eating it bitch
James: I thought we were grilling tonight
Lindsay: Amber wanted chicken instead of burgers so I'm gonna make that chicken again and homemade onion straws and fried green tomatoes and okra. So now how does that sound?
James: It sounds like I'm eating out
Lindsay: What so my cooking isn't good enough for u now
James: Too much fried shit and I was looking forward to grilling
Lindsay: Well what do u want then picky sob
James: I wanted to wear my grillinator hat
James: Crab legs
Lindsay: What hat where is it I'm gonna burn it
Lindsay: Ok well I don't eat seafood but if u buy them ill cook them 4 u
James: Nah I'm going to quarterdeck
Lindsay: No ur not y the hell would u do that
James: Because this is america and in america we want crab legs and a loaded baked potato and a cold beer and a hot waitress, not fried green tomatoes
James: Starring kathy bates and jessica tandy
James: Rated f
James: For fucking gay
Lindsay: Ok go and when u come home all ur shits goin to b outside try me mf u are insulting my cooking AND one of my fav movies of all time
Lindsay: I will shove these matoes down ur throat until u choke and die so u really shiuld just try them wilingly
James: NEVER
Lindsay: Wait lol I have ur car
James: Shit
Lindsay: So guess what I'm not pickin u up from work until u apologize 4 ur rude comments and tell me that u love my cooking and agree to eat these motherfucking fried green tomatoes
Lindsay: So come on
Lindsay: Ok dickface guess ur walking
James: I apologize for being rude
James: I usually enjoy your cooking
James: I may even try a piece of your godawful tomatoes
James: But fuck that movie
Lindsay: Nope sorry not good enough
James: If that movie were personified as a the hottest bitch imaginable, standing in the street holding a puppy and a magic sandwich machine and wearing nothing but a sign that says dear james please fuck me silly love hot bitch xoxo ps I'm rich, I would still hit her with my car and back up to do it again
James: Not to mention its initials are FGT
Lindsay: Wow that's pretty intense but yeah u are walking so have fun
James: Worth it
See you next year.
12182K8
So far, so good.
Money's pretty tight and I don't have cable or broadband yet, so the only things I have to occupy myself with while I'm home are movies, single player video games and a pair of tits. No sex though, unfortunately. She's afraid it'll cause a miscarriage. I'd be pretty proud of myself if I could abort someone else's kid with my penis, but she won't give me the chance to try, damn it.
We exchanged Christmas gifts early. I didn't want to but we had this discussion via Blackberry IM:
Lindsay: Wow u are gonna hate me I am picking out the craziest stuff for u
James: This should be interesting
Lindsay: Yeah its going to be its called a care package
James: Nice I don't really know what to expect there but don't explain any further
Lindsay: Ok well u are opening it tonite
James: No I'm not
Lindsay: Yeas u are or ill throw it all in ur face
James: No you wont
Lindsay: Yes I will u will fucking open these motherfucking gifts
Lindsay: I'm yelling all that right now
James: Well I'm imagining it being yelled with samuel l jackson's voice and its making me laugh so sorry you're not scary enough but I will open it christmas day
Lindsay: No u will not ill burn all the food in the house and I don't know what else ill do but ill do something horrible
James: Yeah no sorry
Lindsay: James I'm so serious u are opening it tonite dammit
James: No I'm really not
Lindsay: Yes u really are or I'm throwing it all on ur bed
Lindsay: That's it that's final end of conversation
James: Don't do that I'm not giving you your presents until christmas anyway
Lindsay: Okay whatever that's not true ill get them from u b4 christmas
James: No you wont
Lindsay: Yes I will u better just give up I'm going to win
James: You'll get your eyebrows done and you'll probably grab whatever we get at ross and run until your prego ass runs out of breath and collapses but I got you other stuff a while ago and you're not getting that
Lindsay: And its not like christmas matters nemore to us we don't enjoy it like we used too
Lindsay: Ur a jerk well u can open mine
James: Listen I really hate putting up christmas trees knowing there's not going to be any presents under it so f u
James: And I just made jerome and eddie watch 2girls1cup it was fucking hilarious
Lindsay: Ok well there will be plenty of presents underneath it for kk I don't really care about the christmas tree either but it had to be done for kk u know so yes u are opening ur christmas present u fucker
Lindsay: It has to b opened asap there are things that can spoil
James: No there's not or you would've said that in the beginning
Lindsay: Shut the fuck up james just do it or I promise I will fucking kill u
James: FINE
Lindsay: Thank u
She got me the most random shit. Small bungee cords, a mesh laundry bag, gum, a glow stick, a gallon of water, measuring tape, a hat with antlers, and I forget what else. I paid to get her eyebrows and nails done and took her clothes shopping. She knew I was going to do that but didn't know about the two bottles of fucking expensive perfume I bought her. She cried when she opened them. I didn't get anything for it, though. Fuck.
12052K8
Welp, S and I...ok, I guess I can stop using the pseudonym for her. Lindsay and I are officially moved in now. I was going to ditch her at the last minute but she agreed to do all the cooking. I can't say no to that. Really, I tried. The word just wouldn't come out. We'll also be working together again soon. That might be kind of rough - living together and working together. The gym may be my only safe haven away from her. Or the bar.
Various images:
Photos
Images
Screenshots
Contact:
craigsucks at gmail dot com